Heartsong by Anita Swanson Speake

Author:Anita Swanson Speake
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2019-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

The call came five days before my scheduled surgery.

“Anita,” my cardiologist said in a voice that can only be described as solemn and, consequently, scary, “your surgery has been put on hold. I need more time to go over all your test results, and once I’ve done that the entire surgical team will meet to discuss your results. Something just isn’t adding up. I’ll see you in the office at the end of the week and we can go over everything at that time.”

I wish I could say that I received this news calmly. I did not.

I was born with a catastrophizing mind. It has plagued me all my life. As a young student nurse, every disease I studied only added a new layer of worry to my already existing distress. I quickly learned that I would probably never have an ordinary cold, because every time I got sick my mind immediately turned it into an upper respiratory infection with possible secondary pneumonia. I never got the flu or a simple stomachache; in my mind, I was always on the brink of having a small bowel obstruction or ruptured appendix.

So, with that in mind, after the cardiologist called, this is what I didn’t hear: “You might not have to have surgery, and this is a good thing.” What I did hear was, “They may have to do more invasive surgery than was previously thought. Or, they may pass on surgery altogether and in that case there’s nothing more they can do for you. Either way, you’re probably going to die.”

The next few days were an exercise in agony. Nothing I did took my mind off the impending visit with the cardiologist.

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